Selene Knight (knightsaline) wrote,
Selene Knight

things the worst Ebberon party are not allowed to do, part 4

1408: The warforged's animal companion is not a construct dog called K9
1409: Success is not measured in Vol-au-vonts
1410: Even if the ambassador's party covers our food need for months
1411: There is a limit to how much weight the cleric can carry
1412: Ancient temples exceed this limit.
413: Especially if they were built by giants
1414: People in Sharn do not "just pee off the walkways"
1415: This is not an explanation of why it's always raining there
1416: No warforged bard or aristocrat is allowed to be "fluent in more than six forms of communication"
1417. You are not to plunge an airship filled with explosive powder with a +5 holy lance as its prow at full throttle into anything, ever
1418. Especially not King Kaius' royal suite.
1419. Even if he is a Nazi.
1420. No matter how much the big scary lizard men insist it is honourable for a great warrior, you will not eat the cooked body of the dead Shifter Silver Flame cleric after his death in a massive battle over land in Xen'drik
1421. Even if you drunken captain threatens to make you walk the plank if you don't.
1422 Just because the Wizard wears a pointy hat does not mean he "know this dude named Gandalf".
1423 or Belgarath.
1424 or Rincewind.
1425 or especially not Elminster.
1426. The Warforged is not to flail his arms and shout "Danger! Danger!"
1427. Even if there is danger.
1428. When we meet the cleric of the Silver Flame, leave the pea soup on the ship. And stop hissing and cowering when you see his holy symbol.
1429. It is never a good idea to throw you employer off a mountain.
1430. Even if the job was more difficult than anticipated and kills many friends/co-adventurers
1431. Wilting celery is not an indication you are in a hazardous environment.
1432. OK, maybe it is, non-wilting celery does not mean the atmosphere is safe though.
1433 The warforged may disregard the last two items.
1434. Dragon hearts are not crystalline
1435. They are not required to power warforged titans.
1436. Anyone even thinking about trying to prove or disprove this will be keelhauled.
1437. Warforged titans are not battery powered.
1438. Warforged titans can fight for more than five minutes.
1439. Warforged titans are niether sentient nor piloted. They are only slightly smarter than golems.
1440. Anyone disturbing warforged titans will be left behind.
1441. The mark on the warforged brow cannot be removed.
1442. Even if it could it would not destroy it.
1443. So stop threatening it with an erase spell.
1444. Repeat after me. No one on this ship is batman, not even the glidewing shifter.
1445. Just because the dragons of Eberron on not the normal big treasure holding monsters does not mean they won't eat you if you annoy them.
1446. You are not a "Caped Crusader" if you happen to Crusade and wear a cape.
1447. It is not a utility belt if you happen to carry a bunch of gadgets that are useful around your waist.
1448. You are not the "Dark Knight" if you happen to wear black armor.
1449. Giving the King's Citadel a Continual light spell before an image of the Ship is neither cool nor advisable. Even if it does make an interesting signal for our help.
1450. A lightning couch spraypainted black and armed with weapons is not the Batmobile.
1451. It is not funny or interesting if all of you had your parents gunned down in a filthy alley before your eyes to inspire this quest.
1452. Kidnapping street orphans to train as sidekicks will likely get them killed.
1453. It is a BOOM-erang.
1454. Sharns' nickname is not "Gotham", even if it does have Gothic architecture.
1455. It is neither nifty nor fun to build your mansion over a cave to hide your vast array of tricks and crime laboratories.
1456. Marish is not to be referred to as Catwoman, even if she is a shifter thief.
1457. Queen Aurala's portly brother is NOT the Penguin.
1458. King Kaius may have a hot and sexy daughter and be out to purge the world but he is not Ra's Al Ghul.
1459. You cannot name the warforged Alfred and make him your butler.
1460. It is wrong even if the warforged agrees.
1461. King Boranal's brother who runs the Citadel is not "Comissioner Gordon."
1462. Even if his daughter is a redhead and fights crime with us.
1463. Making the sails like Batwings and painting the ship black does not make it the Batplane.
1464. Frank Miller will not do the comic adaptation of our lives.
1465. Sadly Keith Griffen will.
1466. Locking up all of our crazy villains in an asylum we pay for and name Gotham STILL doesn't make you Batman.
1467. Dressing up in a costume to attack muggers on rooftops randomly will not be the setup for them saying "What are you..."
1468. No matter how many times you try it.
1469. Do not encourage the wizard to cast illusions of balloons that say "Bomph", "Bamph", "SLAM" with every hit you make.
1470. We will not get a dimensional portal to kill Joel Schumacher for ruining the story.
1471. Scratch 1470, I'm willing to give you some leeway in this one.
1472. Making riddles in the sky with the airship so we can pretend the villain left them is stupid not adding mystique.
1473. The Chain of Command is a system of determining authority, not the chain you use to beat your unwilling subordinates until they realise who's in ruttin' command.
1426. No, the artifacer cannot imbue your tooth brush with 'sonicare' energy.
1427. The Hymn to Onatar is not "Amazing Wrench".
1428. Nor is it "Hammer time".
1429. Singing or dancing to either tune will get you flogged.
1430. Especially dancing to either tune.
1431. The proper way to ask for healing is not "YO, cleric! Beer me!"
1432. Khyber does not take the form of David Bowie.
1433. All of Eberron would unite to slay him if he did.
1434. Knowing all the cold-bases spells in existance does NOT make you Mr.Freeze.
1436. You also weigh a little more than 108.
1437. The Mockery is not also known as 'Joker'.
1438. You are not allowed to stack a Deck of Many Things.
1439. The warforged is NOT to be lubed with molasses.
1440. Even if it does make him move faster.
1441. Having parts left over when you fix the warforged is probably a bad thing.
1442. The airship does not have afterburners.
1443. You are not allowed to air-bomb the Eldeen Reaches with cat nip to "chill out the shifters."
1444. Maximized, Heightened, Empowered Rays of Frost are just plain stupid.
1446. New crew members are not nOObs.
1447. The paladin chick will not 'loosen up after a few beers'.
1448. The bard is not a member in good standing of the Fraternity Tappa Kegga Brew.
1449. So stop asking him to tappa kegga brew.
1450. We dont have a wine cellar.
1451. We dont have a 5 star galley, either.
1473. The Mror Holds is not the location of the Mines of Mroria.
1474. Orcs and goblins are two seperate critters.
1475. But they are not as pathetic as Kobolds.
1476. Its pronounced 'Eye-gore'.
1477. It isnt Frooderick Frankunsteen. Its Frederick.
1478. Nazareth's "Hair of the dog" is not your theme song.
1479. Unless you are the Lord of Blades.
1480. Despite what you may have heard, 42 IS the Ultimate Answer.
1481. The captains brain does not run on citrus fruit.
1482. Despite what you may have heard, the name of the ships crew is not 'Certain Death'.
1483. Spam isnt a weapon of mass distruction.
1484. I should not tell the warforged this.
1485. Your seat cushon does not double as a floatation device.
1486. Neither does the gnome.
1498. I don't care how old yer halfling is he isn't wearing depends of holding!
1499. And no the articifer can't make him any!
1500. And no one at any time, any where, drink the warm, frothy, beer on the table in front of said halfling...its not beer!
1501. never put the 120 year old halfling on guard duty!
1502. Especially by himself or with a cranky barbarian!
1503. Re: 1486. It is wrong to tell warforged otherwise.
1503. We will not make Metal Gear units to take over the world.
1504. My name is not Snake Eater.
1505. Solid Snake is not a reference to my genitalia.
1506. Nor can I pretend it is.
1507. We will not boast that we have 90% mortality rate.
1508. Not even to necromancers.
1509. We will not sell the dead to necromacers.
1510. Especially not King Kaius.
1511. The artifacer does not need to use empty beer cans to repair the warforged.
1512. We told you to do that BEFORE we left.
1513. No, we will not get fly-through.
1514. Any members of House Sivis are not to wander around, saying "Can you hear me now? Good."
1515. No, you can not have the last slice of pizza.
1516. Or the last beer, for that matter.
1517. The captain gets those.
1518. Unless it is bitter.
1519. Or weak.
1520. Or made on the plane of radiance.
1521. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not allowed to claim that his silver coloured soulknife is a piece of the Silver Flame.
1522. It is wrong to tell Silver Flame worshipers this.
1523. :censored:
1524. Am I understood?
1525. You are especially to never tell this to Jaela. (Thanks to Lup1n3)
1526. If you do you will be keelhauled by the crew, until my ship gets tired.
1527. Being a ranger on my airship does not make you an Airborne Ranger.
1528. Nor does it mean you can sing cadences all day and night.
1529. The next person who shouts "Oohrah!" on this ship gets tossed over the side.
1530. There is always time for love.
1531. Stop calling me Dr. Jones.
1532. Whaddaya mean there's no pilot?!
1533. It belongs in a museum!
1534. Ah, who am I kidding. Let's divvy up the loot.
1535. No, you can not steal his pants.
1536. The staff is mine.
1537. New regulation. Phobias are not to be treated by punching the affected in the head.
1538. Ever.
1539. Telling the watch to cast an illusion spell of a bat silhouette over the towers of Sharn does not make you Batman.
1540. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do it.
1541: You are not to tell your stupid, big-ass fighter that there was an order of noble, feared, powerful knights called "The Knights of Suck-ee-Nam-Nam", and make him admire them so much, that he begins wearing their signature outfit consisting of a Napoleon-style, yellow hat, purple silk tabard, gigantic light-green puff-pants and knee-high blue leather boots.
1542: Even if there was such an order of (obviously colorblind) knights
1543. Crew members are to refrain from sticking a note to the Captain's back reading "Kiss my big fiery ring"...
1544. Especially the morning after Ship's Chilli Night.
1545. Crew are to cease petitioning the Captain to rename the ship the Enola Gay just because the Wizard can now cast Meteor Swarm.
1546. No we won't be mounting an expedition into the Keeper's lair to "liberate" his horse Binky
1543: You will not sell "Pontiff porn"
1544: ...unless it makes a really good profit
1545: You cannot find the Rajahs' location by tracing Darjeeling exports
1546: Aundarian spies do not say "Lizzen very carefullee I zhall say zis only once"
1547: even if they will
1548: The Karnathi are not looking for the painting of Tira Mirron with the big boobies
1549: But keep it hidden just in case
1550: The Emerald Claw leader is not watching multiple illusions of you, and never says "I'll get you next time Forgotten Freedom! Next time!"
1551: You will not start a strip joint called the "Emerald Claw"
1552: You are neither vengeance nor the night
1553: The wand of summoning nature's ally that summons whales does not make the ship go any faster
1554: Neither should it be used to "feed those poor starving Talentans"
1555: Jaela does not offer to help turn gay people
1556: Except undead ones, obviously
1557. This ship does not have an Improbablity Drive.
1558. And you cant dare the artifacer to make one.
1559. Despite his claims to the contrary, the ships captain is not President of the Universe
1560. The proper way to handle posessed people is not 300 cc's of Thorazine.
1561. No, the pilot isnt drunk.
1562. At least, we hope he isnt drunk.
1563. You may not do a Tounch-N-Go landing with the airship.
1564. Stop sending love letters to Jaela marked "Open when you are legal."
1565. You dont have 'first dibbs' on her, either.
1566. Though shalt not use the warforged barbarians +5 Flaming Shocking Burst Vorpal Greatsword of Speed to butter your toast.
1567. Its just not right.
1568. Because its named the Silver Flame, doesnt mean it came in second.
1569. So stop telling that to Silver Flame worshippers.
1557: Do not tell the Minotaur that he can practice juggling with the halfling.
1558: Or the gnome
1559: Kobolds are ok though
1560: You cannot name you shifter Liono
1561: And you sword is not the Eye of Thundara
1562: The Atrificer will not make you one.
1563. Our origin was not chronicled in "The History of the World Part I" as a counting house that rebelled and killed it's managers to sack walstreet.
1564. That's my story and I'm sticking too it.
1565. Flying across the edge of the map will not make us fly into the campaign setting handbook.
1566. Being Sky Pirates is not to be described "A lot like Star Wars except it's not in Space and doesn't involve fighting an Empire."
1567. No casting Enlarge on any extremities.
1568. Especially THOSE.
1569. Valenar Druid elven girls are not to be called "Deedlit"
1570. Would be paladins are not to be called "Parn."
1571. Do not cast enlarge on Elven ears so they look like anime elves. That's the equivalent of porno actresses for them.
1572. We will not try to use magiscience to create flying burning sharks to ride.
1573. Do not use illusions to give our ship motion blur.
1574. Warforged are not to be encouraged to adopt a female personality.
1575. The monk is forbidden from spouting wisdom by simply giving a statement then reversing it.
1576. For example. "For a warforged to become a human,he must first be human that becomes a warforged."
1577. "For the deck to be swabbed, the swabbed must be the deck."
1578. I do not appreciate one day just randomly waking up and the Boat has adopted a 70s Disco theme.
1579. You may not hang a mini disco ball in the controll room.
1580. Fuzzy dice are okay.
1581. Do not ask the female shifter barbarian if shes 'put on a little weight'.
1582. We are not a bus, and we will not be back in 20 minutes.
1583. Our ship does not have the outline of a.......Winnebago.
1584. Look, I already said no to the codpiece of holding. Unless you want a jockstrap of devouring instead, drop it.
1585. No, you can't have one for practical jokes! That was a threat, dammit!
1586. Boasting about the size of your ECL is not a good way to get chicks.
1589. I will not dress up as Santa to get Jaela to sit in my lap.
1590. Or in General.
1591. We will not head to the North Pole to find a lost tribe of Elves enslaved to an immortal druid.
1592. We need the huge amounts of coal he leaves us every year to power the ship.
1593. The warforged cannot crush coal into diamonds.
1594. No, the warforged cannot be given a cape of flying
1595. Painting him blue and red does not make him anymore "Super."
1596. It is wrong to tell him that regular Dragonshards weaken him, Siberys dragonshards remove his powers entirely, and Khyber Shards turn him evil.
1597. He is NOT the last survivor of a race of warforged from another planet!
1598. That Jaela has a 21 Charisma is not an excuse for all this.
1599. Queen Aurala's brother is not to be called "Fatty McGaylord."
1600. It's insulting to homosexuals to be compared with the tubby Lord chancellor that's why.
1601. Is not a Neil Gaiman comic.
1602. Is a very bad parody of a Neil Gaiman comic.
1603. When we kidnap Queen Aurala we will not sell her for "magic beans"
1604. The National sport of Aundair is not Quidditch.
1605. The Arcane Congress is not a democratically elected form of government.
1606. I will not run for it.
1607. Not even on the platform of less work for more money.
1608. I am not a Number.
1609. Leaving the ship will not be accompanied by the monologue "I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign."
1610. Do not give Numbers to crew new members.
1611. We do not Press anyone into service on the ship (usually)
1612. Especially not by gassing them and giving this speech when they wake up
Recruit: "Where am I?"
Pirates: "In the Village."
Recruit: "What do you want?"
Pirates: "Information. We want...information"
1613. You won't get it.
1614. Even if you insist by hook or by crook, you will.
1615. The first mate will not be referred to as "Number Two."
1616. I AM NUMBER ONE! Stop demanding to know who I am!
1617. Queen Aurala is not "Queen Amidala if she grew up to be a real frosty ****."
1618. Painting targets on the ship for the authorities when you're cross about your pay is not appreciated.
1619. The Captain's quarters is not the bathroom.
1620. Nor is the first mates.
1621. Do not fish for people over the side of the boat.
1622. Even in Aundair.
1623. A black tie dinner doesn't mean you show up naked but for a tie.
1624. We were attending a peace agreement with Aundair, it is counterproductive to smash through the windows on ropes from the ship.
1625. It is counterproductive to do that everytime we enter any building whatsoever.
1626. I am the original Captain Jarlot. I have not passed down my title several times to men named Wesley.
1627. It is not true we own property in Xen'drick.
1628. It is wrong to sell it to the warforged.
1629. When attending a ball, it is wrong to impersonate "The King of Asskickia"
1630. Eberron was not built by the Giants of Xen'drick to destroy all life in the galaxy.
1631. Stop telling the Master Cheif this.
1632. When we recieve news that the world is in dire peril and may be destroyed, the proper response is to stop it...not "Tell the Twelve and go about our merry way"
1633. A warforged's "grand slam" is not to be followed by an atomic elbow.
1634. Even if the warforged is named "Macho Man"
1633. The ring of Sibrys shards is not an ancient weapon called Halo.
1634. You cannot set the warfoged to 'stun'.
1635. Stop telling the artifacer its possible.
1636. We may not paint bomb markings on the side of the hull.
1637. We cannot paint dragon sillhouetes, either.
1638. We are not allowed to 'hit the door like titans'.
1639. Half the time, the door hits back.
1640. We are not martial law.
1641. You may not waterski behind the airship.
1642. You cannot hook up a propeller to a stationary bicycle to make the ship go faster.
1643. Even if you did, its wrong to tell the warforged its his job to pedal.
1644. I am not allowed to interrogate prisoners by shouting "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!?"
1645. There is no division of the Dark Lanterns known as CTU.
1646. I am not Jack Bauer.
1647. I am not allowed to start each job by stating "The following takes place..."
1648. The privy is not a Planar Gate to Xoriat.
1649. I should not spread that rumor.
1650. There is no saying, "What happens in Xen'drik stays in Xen'drik."
1651. No, you may not start it.
1652. No matter what you did there.
1653. .....ewwww
1654. The Warforged are not Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

1655. Stop selling tickets to these events.

1656. Trust me, I WILL notice if you replace the entire crew with muppets.
1657. Except Gonzo the Great, he fits right in.
1658. Animal is not a manifestation of the Devourer.
1659. Scratch that, he might be....
1660. We will not catapult crew members at enemy vessels.
1661. Even if the crew members like it, because it's a small cut, and pirates love being cut.
1662. Tycho and Gabe are not crew.
1663. We are not allowed to use a fire extinguisher to stop the ship.
1664. The Fire Elemental is not to respond in Alan Rickman's voice "Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?"
1665. We are fairly obviously the culprits of most of our crime spree, trashing the CSI of Sharn will not help us.
1666. Even if you really hate that show.
1667. This boat's crew was not collected from people who thought they were joining the cast of the 'Real world'
1668. It was collected from volunteers for Jackass.
1669. Turtle Shifters are not to be stomped on.
1670. Nor Mycanoids.
1671. Their leader is not a Dragon named Koopa.
1672. Sharn Halflings who ride dinosaurs and happen to be plumbers are no...oh the hell with it, call em Mario if you want.
1673. Torture is not forcing prisoners to watch episodes of the Golden Girls.
1674. We're not that cruel.
1675. Yo Ho! is not to be used to point me to prostitutes.
1676. Especially followed by "Blow the man down"
1677. Sixteen men on a dead man's chest is not instructions.
1678. Long John Silver's name was not dirty.
1679. Nor was captain hook's.
1670. Hook and Smee were not gay lovers.
1671. Oh sorry....err I wasn't aware that the two were together.
1672. hey I've got nothing against that sort of just took me by surprise is all.
1673. A Rakahasa crouching and a Dragon hiding doesn't mean that we can do wuxia moves or find the Green Destiny sword.
1674. Eberron Drow women did not "learn their place"
1675. The Scorpion King of the Drow is not played by the Rock.
1666) We don't break for dragonhawks- not even the awakened kind.
1667) So stop trying to get those Aundairian bumper stickers that say otherwise.
1668) Technicaly, this Airship doesn't even have a bumper

1669) And if it did, it would be covered in to much

squished dragonhawk to see what the stupid stickers you lot keep putting on it say.
1670) You are not to tell Jaela that as she is both the secular and temporal leader of Thrane, she has the power nessesary to declare herself "legal" whenever she sees fit.
1671) Even if its true.
1672. As air pirates; we rob from water ships, towns, the lightning rail, forts, airships, and storehouses.
1673. We do not copy music and videos then distribute them.
1674. Except if it's a realllllyyyyy awesome movie not out on DVD yet.
1675. Stop getting people to play with Aurula's name.
"She's A rula a alright. A very bad A rule a."
It's childish.
1676. Do not pinch your nose before saying this is a "A Pirate ship"
1677. If you take off Aurala's glasses, she doesn't become a hot sex maniac.
1678. Girls with glasses often are already.
1779. A pair of glasses is NOT sufficient disguise to fool the guard.
1780. Unless it's the Sharn guard in which case they're idiots.
1781. Do not refer to Queen Aurala's brother as "Jabba."
1782. Or slap a bumper sticker on his back that says "Wide load"
1783. If the airship be a' rockin......
1784. ...the warforged fell down.
1785. We will not moon King Kaius every time we fly by.
1786. Every other time will do.
1787. The warforged cant have a Predator mask.
1788. Even if it would make him look cool.
1789. We must not mistake Zilargo gnomes for end tables.
1790. Q'barra is not the home of good gumbo.
1791. The captain is to be called Bandit One or the Bandit.
1792. The first-mate is to be called Bandit Two or Snowman.
1793. All law enforcment agents are to be refered to as Smokies.
1794. There are two types of Smokies, friendly ones and not-so friendly ones.
1795. Do not by any means behave like Lord Flasheart. If you understand this you've watched Blackadder before.
1796. Do not make lewd sexual jokes about Pontiff Jaela. That is what Lord Flasheart would do.
1797. "Bah weep grawnab weep ninibaum" and offering them a gp is not the universal greeting.
1798. Although it may work in Darguun.
1799. I will not put waffles into the possesed toaster.
1800. I must not give the gnome artifacer coffee.
1801. Or cappucino.
1802. Or espresso.
1803. I am not allowed to mod the warforged with neon lights, spinners, or killer subs.
1804. I am not allowed to install a 'pet door' in the door to the shifters quarters.
1805. Even if the shifter has a pet.
1806. I must not write the Daughters of Sora Kell for dating advice.
1807. There is no Animal House frat at Morgrave University.
1808. Nor am I allowed to start one.
1809. Toga parties are still okay.
1810. Aquatic dire animals dont make good sushi.
1811. Dire boars dont make good porkchops.
1812. The bacon is okay, though.
1813. Must not ask the cook for MLT...Mutton, lettuce, and tomato.
1814. He did not say "To blave".....
1815. I am not left handed.
1816. I dont have six fingers on my right hand, either.
1817. Do not sing Lieutenant George's version of Row Row Row Your Boat to Pontiff Jaela. This is Lieutenant George's version of Row Row Row Your Boat. Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the stream, belts off trousers down isn't life a scream.
1818. Don't behave like the Bishop of Bath from Blackadder.
1819. Or like Prince Ludvig the Indistructible.
1820. The warforged is NOT a toy!
1821. The catgirl is NOT a toy!
1822. Jaela is NOT a toy!
1823. Dont tell the artificer about hammerguns
1824. EVER
1825. Do not put video cassets in the warforged. It only takes beta!
1826. To the mages: Fireball should not be your instinctive reaction to everything
1827. You cannot be a suicidally depressed warforged
1828. The warforged's name is not Marvin
1829. Or Gundam
1830. Or Ropanmatsu
1831. Or Evangelion
1832. Dont wish to shoot the DM or the Captain with a hammer.
1821. The warforged is not to be referred to as Metal Gear.
1822. Nor the warforged Titan.
1823. Nor will you add a nuclear missle launcher to it.
1824. NO, you can't have nukes anyway!
1825. Not even if you blow a wish spell.
1826. When finding a famous relic of Cyre, you will not fall on your knees and scream "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU! You filthy apes!"
1827. You will not tell the warforged that the Day of Mourning was the result of said filthy apes.
1828. You will not cast a sleep spell on a person after telling them you're casting a permanent time stop spell and put on ape costumes to say "Human, explain yourself" when they wake up.
1829. Do not cast multiple enlarge spells to try and make a monkey that will kidnap a girl and climb to the highest tower in Sharn...
1830. Just so you can fire the crossbows on the airship at it.
1831. You will not use real life actors to represent your characters. Especially not...
1832. Kurt Russell in Escape from New York.
1833. Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China.
1834. Kurt Russell in The Thing
1835. Kurt Russell in Soldier
1836. The Kurt Russell lookalike in Metal Gear Solid.
1837. Not even Kurt Russell in Captain Ron because he kinda looks like Snake with the eyepatch.
1838. When your character is old, he won't look like Sean Connery either.
1839. King Boranal is not Sean Connery either...even though it's entirely possible to pay him to appear in our games apparently with some of the movies he's done.
1840. I know you didn't say it but someone had to.
1841. Harrison Ford in ANY OF HIS FILMS before he got so old he started to look like Emperor Palpatine.
1842: Yes, warforged, we eat steak. Yes, warforged, most people are made of meat. No, this does not mean that fallen party members are "emergency rations" or "free protein".
1843: No, warforged, your immunity to fatigue and sleep doesn't mean that you get extra shares of treasure. May I suggest a hobby?
1844: Dressing up in a costume and fighting crime is not a hobby.
1845. House Cannith is not to be referred to as GM
1846. House Deneith is not to be hired to do my adventures for me.
1847. House Ghallandra is not to be referred to as "Hilton."
1848. Nor it's heads daughter, Paris Halfling.
1849. House Jorasco does not accept Medicaid as payment.
1850. House Kundarak will not be confused with Gringots.
1851. They will kill you if you mention goblins run that.
1852. House Lyrander is not to be referred to as National Airways.
1853. And we are NOT to be referred to as "Con Air."
1854. Even if we were a bunch of prisoners who acquired this ship by stealing it.
1855. Oh hush, it's the plot of Farscape too.
1856. House Medali did not learn their investigation techniques from Blues' Clues.
1857. Or "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago."
1858. House Phiarlan will not be suggested to that the best way to replace their lost fortune is with an Emmy program.
1859. Or Reality programming.
1860. The Captain reserves the right to only one Reality TV quote and that is to say "You're Fired" with the Trump point before you're launched out of the cannon.
1861. House Sivis is not Random House.
1862. They are not interested in your life's story.
1863. House Thrashk members will not have you sneak into their mines with a dead canary to shout "OH LORDIE! THE CANARIES DEAD!" to start a panic.
1864. Unless we're robbing it.
1865. House Thuranni are not ninjas.
1866. Except when they put on nightsuits, carry katanas, and somehow fly.
1867. House Valadis is not to be asked whether you can adopt a Pound Puppy or not whenever you see them.
1868. The Wayfarer is forbidden from carrying a bullwhip or a fedora.
1869. Even if EVERYONE is expected to when they play one.
1870. The Wayfarers are not to be treated as old stuffy Brelish men who talk like they're on the history channel.
1871. Even if 99.9% of them are.
1872. As an old not toss the dwarf.
1873. Or the gnomes.
1874. The Halfling will bite your leg off.
1875. No replacing dwarven beard shampoo with nair.
1876. Elves will not be told to pierce their ears more.
1877. Shifters cannot use their tails like periscopes.
1878. Dog Shifters can talk perfectly normal and not like Scooby Doo.
1879. Any gnome that acts like a tinker gnome will be killed summarily...
1880. No jury in the world would convict me.
1881. Kender and your next three characters will die.
1882. Teleport without error will not be used as a weapon.
1883. (re: #1865 & #1866) Especially not when they totally flip out, play guitar, and fight pirates.
1884. None of you... I repeat, none of you have Real Ultimate Power(tm).
1885. I do
1886: Our "theme tune" is not "da-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na Forgottenfreedom!"
1887: Because it doesn't scan, that's why
1888: The Lord of Blades is not so called for being really good on rollerblades
1889: The call for a descent is not "Squadron 14: DIVE!!!"
1890: Do not ask us to check the angular velocity of the moon without saying which one.
1891: "proving your worth something" doesn't always involve killing a lot of people
1892: Dodging bullettes really isn't that impressive
1893: Being drunk does not make you safe from falling
1894: You shall not taunt your party's Warmage by letting the Gnome Sorcerer use his Ghost Sound to make him believe there is a colossal Gorilla behind him.
1895. The Captain's Pop Culturefu shall not be corrected.
1896. You shall NOT attempt to strike up a relationship between the captain and the pontiff.
1897. You shall NOT convince the pontiff to dance in the previous pontiffs robes and pope hat.
1988. Even though it looks incredibly funny.
1989. And She would.
1890. The warforged's battlefists are not "Hulk Hands", and shall not be refered to as such.
1891. Even if we do have a catapult, we do NOT refer to the warforged as "armour-piercing ammunition".
1892. Even if he has an adamantine body.
1893. Neither the captain's Eternal wand of Knock, nor his Eternal wand of Presidigitation shall be refered to as a "Sonic Screwdriver"
1894. Kalashtar named Lyta Alexander will be shot on sight. With the balista.
1895. Keelhauling the warforged is forbidden. Any who attempt it must pay for repairs to both warforged, and keel.
1896: When someone yell 'Don't read from the book!' ... don't read from the the gods damn book.
1897: Even if the book is call "How to age the Speaker of the Silver Flame: the Jaela edition"
1898: Because it is a trap, thats why.
1899: The captain is not now, nor has he ever been a marmaset!
1906. Crew will not hang banners depicting their artistic impressions of how Tira Mirron "merged" with a Couatl over the side of the ship as it approaches Flamekeep.
1907. No matter how graphic it is.
1908. All artistic members of crew will be expected to chip in to repair the multiple-flamestrike damage to the ship's hull following the recent eventful flight through Thrane...
1902. A delayed blast fireball is not the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
1903. Niether is a necklace of fireballs
1904. There shall be no counting to 3, 5, or 13 when using the above items/spells.
1905. I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0, 11, 12, 13. You should too. If necessary take off your boots when counting.
1906 Never take off your pants when counting, even if you only need one more.
1907. Plan B is not "Twice as many Fireballs as Plan A"
1910. Warforged were not "Forged in the heat of battle".
1911. Due to last years....misunderstanding...Jaela will not be trick-or-treating at our house this year.
1912. Dont ask what the misunderstanding was.
1913. In Eberron, dragons are not color-coded for your convenience.
1914. We do not have a mini-warforged named R2D2.
1915. When meeting a noble djinn, wishing for phenominal cosmic power is not recommended.
1916. You will not use a wish to get jaela as your girlfriend.
1917. You will not use a wish to get jaela to join the crew.
1918. I said earlier you cant attempt to get the captain in a relationship with the pontiff, doublely so with a wish.
1919. Asking the female changeling to dress up as Jaela is just WRONG.
1920. Unless its for Halloween.
1921. You are not allowed to carve the number 3.1415 into a pumpkin for Halloween or Thanksgiving and call it Pumpkin Pi.
1922. You cant tell the warforged to do so, either.
1923. There is no beer in Dolurrh, so we have to drink it here.
1924. The warforged is not allowed to show off by crushing beer kegs against his forehead.
1925. You will not have the wizard cast Geas on Jaela with objective being to bring her anywhere near us.
1926. or You.
1927. Nor shall you commune with the fiends of Khyber to overthrow the Silver Flame just so you can get them to give you Jaela as spoils.
1928. Getting the Dreaming Dark to brainwash Jaela while she sleeps is also forbidden.
1929. And just plain wrong.
1930. Using an Eldritch Machine to do any of the above will result is a solo visit to the Ring of Siberys.
1931. Said visit shall not be the result of using the machine...
1932. Although if it is a result the scoundrel deserves it.
1933. Rakshasa do not have a springyest tail that gives them a plus to jump checks
1934. And even if they did, they would still be unable to catch us.
1935. House Thuranni girls do not look like the cast of "Dead or Alive"
1936. House Thuranni are not all monk/rogue/assassins.
1937. They are not Ninjas!
1938. You cannot play a shifter trained by House Thuranni with adamentine claws....because Wolverine is not a ninja.
1939. No, you cannot date a King's Citadel Agent named Irene after slaying a demon as a House Thuranni Ninja as your backstory.
1940. No we cannot be pirate ninjas!
1941. That would be too badass for the space time continium.
1942. Pirates do not 'flip out and kill people for no reason.'
1943. We do it for money.
1944. You cannot be a millionaire playboy whose parents were gunned down before studying with House Thuranni...because Batman is not...okay Batman IS a least in Batman Begins.
1945. Is an important day in WW2.
1946. I cannot play a Elemental Sorcerer House thuranni specializing in Ice.
1947. I cannot play a Elemental Sorcerer House Thuranni that's dead and specializing in fire.
1948. I cannot play a House Thuranni WARFORGED named Cyrax
1949. Because robots and ninjas don't mix.
1950. After beating someone with monk abilities til they're dazed, I will not shout "FINISH HIM"
1951. after a spectacular kill, I will not say "Flawless Victory."
1952. Or..."Fatality."
1953. I will not say "Friendship" to anyone.
1954. Unless it's the Pontiff, because we need the street cred.
1955. It's wrong to tell Jaela she was created by monks and she's actually the Key.
1956. So we can "hide" her from evil.
1957. There is no plane of Eberron named Outworld.
1957. We are not a water bomber.
1958. We are, however, a beer bomber.
1959. We are not police, and we arent a charitable institution.
1960. We dont protect or serve.
1961. Except ourselves.
1962. And maybe Jaela.
1963. The warforged is not to show off by crushing gnomes against his forehead, either.
1964. We will not sell shirts that say "Kiss her where it smells, take her to the Cogs".
1965. The Mournland is not a nuclear crater.
1966. Okay, maybe it is.
1967. We must refrain from pointing at the bad guy and telling the wizard 'Fire for effect'.
1968. 'cause the wizard cant shoot worth a damn.
1969. I am not Batman.
1970. I still am not Batman.
1971. All Gnomes do not have a pot 'o gold.
1972. I must not tell the warforged this.
1973. Or the greedy rogue.
1974. I must stop hiding in the paladin chick's room to watch her undress for the night.
1975. Or at the very least, stop shouting "Take it off!"
1976) one the note of 1974: Repeat after the captain-"Bribing powerful wizards to cast improved invisibility on the Paladin chick's full plate is not sanctioned".
1977) The above also aplies to any and all articles of the Pontiffical wardrobe.
1978) Exept the Pope hat.
1979) Whoever took those posts about "not stoping for Dragonhawks" and crossed out the "hawk" bit while the captain was off trying to bargin with the Serens for acess to Argonessen is going to get keelhauled- even if hes a warforged.
1980) To spite any prior decrease pretaining to Keelhauling.
1981. The Warforged will not be used as a figurine for the mast.
1982. Even if she does have a female personality, you will not have blacksmith give the warforged "boobies"
1983. You must not use doilys to reach ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER!!!
1983. Ask Kaus if he "Vants to suck your blud"
1983 Offer him a garlic hogey
1984. Must not taunt King Kaius by doing a bad Bella Lugosi impression.
1985. While King Kaius is within earshot.
1986. Must not hand King Kaius a cup, asking "you wanted tomato juice, right?"
1987. Must not ask King Kaius, 'So, talked to Vol, recently?'
1988. "eep oop ork ah ah" does not mean 'I love you.'
1989. I am not allowed to make crop circles.
1990. Especially ones of Tia Miron and 'the big, bad snake'.
1991. And Im REALLY not allowed to make them just outside of Flamekeep in Thrane.
1992. Kang and kodos do not work on our ship.
1993. You will not refer to Rhukaan Draal as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
1994. Even though it is.
1995. The Mourning did not give anyone an "Atomic Wedgie".
1996. Nor did it give anyone a normal "wedgie" either.
1997. You shall not call the sunrise before a day of combat, the "Dawn of War".
1998. War has been around far longer than that.
1999. Neither shall you call any form of combat in Frostfell a "Winter Assault".
2000. You shall not challenge Aurala's authority by demanding a recount.
2001. The Thronehold Accords was not written by Arthur C. Clarke
2002. Nor was it written by J. R. R. Tolkien
2003.The Mourning did not occur because someone hired or employed Homer Simpson.
2004. Mr. Burns is not Vol's long lost relative.
2005. A warforged on a plate cannot use its magnet to escape.
2006. The artificer cannot reverse the polarity of anything.
2007. The kalashtar telepath is not a "l33t mind h4xx0r".
2008. Dragonshards are not made of chopped-up pieces of dragons.
2009. You will not convince any artificer to take a Vow of Poverty.
2010. The wand of fireballs is not your "boomstick".
2008. Correllary to 2005: Not even if it is the LOBster.
2009. Half-bricks in socks will never, ever, defeat a wizard's staff.
2010. No, you may not have an orangutang as a familiar. No monkeys on this ship.
2011. Correction: No apes on this ship.
2012. I don't care how many points you have in your Craft Reserve. You may not make a car out of scrap metal!
2013. For the matter, you may not make a car out of anything.
2014. I don't care if you are 'the warrior from the sky', you may not have an Oldsmobile as part of your starting equipment.
2015. Same goes for the chainsaw and boomstick.
2016. There is not and never will be a prestige class that requires you to score with Jaela. So stop it.
2017. Any use of the words "Jaela" "Mage hand" "Evards Black Tentacles" and "Prestigation" In the same sentance will result in keelhauling
2018. Twice
2019. You may not ask about the ships miles per gallon
2020. You may not ask about the warforged's miles per gallon
2021. For the love of god, FIREBALL IS NOT A TOY!!!
2022. Nor does the captain like being hit by them!
2023. Stop telling the warforged this!
2024. The Warforged is not to use a Hat of Disguise to appear as a Dwarf, then challenge other Dwarves to a drinking contest.
2025. Or a contest to see who can hold his breath for the longest.
2026. If 2019 is broken, we will not call the oxygen-deprived Dwarf 'Papa Smurf' because his face turned blue.
2027. You need far more than bubble gum and a paper clip to foil Vol's plans.

2028. Do not try and get the Artificer to waste time converting a Warforged Titan to a battle mech.
2029. In the unlikely event that he succeeds you are not to hand that mech over to a angsty Japanese teenager.
2030. In fact, should you find yourself with such a weapon, all teenagers in a ten mile radius should be put to death.
2031. You will stop handing out copies of the Evil Overlord list; the bad guys have enough of an edge as is.
2033. For god sakes stop trying to lure Batman into the airship with promises of candy.
2034. Wait....
2035. Dwarfs in full plate are not the latest in missile technology.
2036. Anyone caught mooning royalty will be left behind to explain themselves.
2037. YES even if it’s Aurala
2045: We will not go into the Mournland specifically to steal a lot of beer from an abandoned brewery
2046: You will not sell Cyran Evergold Beer looted from Mournlands
2047: You will not drink said Mournland- tainted beer, unless you bought the pretzels
2048: drinking it will not give you super powers
2049: you will not eat mournland tainted pretzels
2050: Gnomes are not to be used as snacks
2051: or ammunition
2052: "We're going to need subtlety" does not mean "Learn some Silent fireballs"
2053: Or "cut people to ribbons while wearing a hooded cloak"
2054: "Diplomacy" does not involve apologising while blowing people to smithereens
2055: Your wings are not like a shield of steel
2056: So bullettes can hurt you
2057: The sovereign host do not appear in person to give messages to their followers, you're fooling noone trying.
2058: Even if they did, they would send more profound messages than "3 Pepperonis, 2 meatfeasts and some cheesy garlic bread"
2059: The shifter with glasses is not Dogbert
2060: That's okay, you shouldn't have been listening to his business plans either way.
2061: I don't care how cool the sword looks, you do not HAVE THE POWER.
2062: Nor the right to dress in only a fur loincloth.
2063: Nor call us the Masters of the Universe.
2064: Do not play mind games with any Inspired we encounter.
2065: They will win.
2066: Yes, the captain is positive they will. Don't try your luck.
2067: Just because the cleric holds the faith of the Silver Flame as her personal ideal does not mean you need to make her some WWJD (What Would Jaela Do?) bracelets.
2068: You most certainly do NOT need to make her any WILJTD (What I'd Like Jaela To Do) bracelets, EVER.
2069: Nor should you even think of trying to program such protocols into the warforged.
2070: What the - By the Host, do you LIKE being keel-hauled?
2071: You do?.....OK, that explains a lot...
2072. The airship is not perfect for a 'chicken cannon'.
2073. Neither is the warforged.
2074. Even though it would look really cool.
2075. The wizard is not to use index cards for his spells.
2076. Im not chasing them down when he drops them on a windy day.
2077. Again.
2078. The airship is not 'unleaded fuel only'.
2079. The artifacer is not named Red Green.
2080. Nor does he have a 'handyman's corner'.
2081. Using lots of duct tape is still required.
2082. You may not summon a celestial whale and have it appear 200 ft above the Dealker's head.
2083. And if you did any damage it did would not be considered good alinged
2084. Even though she loses powers if she leaves the Cathedral, you will not refer to Jaela as, "The Sorceress of Greyskull."
2085. Nor the "The Sorceress of Flamekeep," or "The Cleric of Greyskull." "The Cleric of Flamekeep" is okay because honestly, that's what she is.
2094. Stop making Jaela's hat fall off with cantrips.
2095. Jaela's hat being smaller than the previous pontiffs is wrong.
2096. There is no such thing as "Saint Mirron's School for Girl Pontiffs"
2097. And it does not have uniforms!
2098. Jaela is not Chiyo-Chan.
2099. We will not rename the ship the "Lolicon Con"
2100. Or add the word "Carney" after that.
2101. We are not the Bat-Airship!
2102. Merrix d'Cannith does not write the "A City with No People" series.
2103. King Kaius was not locked in a coffin and thrown into the ocean for 50 years.
2104. The artificer cannot retain the essence of a warforged.
2105. The artificer cannot retain the essence of an artifact.
2106. The artificer is forbidden from going back through the dungeon we cleared and retaining the essence of all the magic traps.
2107. There are no such things as living skills, living feats, or living action points.
2108. You cannot tie anyone to a conductor stone track.
2109. While it is a good song, the bard is forbidden to sing "November Rain" while in Sharn.
2110. The bard is also forbidden from singing "Welcome to the Jungle" while we are in Xen'drik.
2111. No, there are no 2001-style monoliths in Xen'drik.
2112. The crew is forbidden, under penalty of death, to use the airship to make paintball 'drive bys'. Its just not right.
2113. The crew is not allowed to send the warforged to "Pimp my 'Forged".
2114. You are not allowed to create a daily pamphlet on what Jaela did that day.
2115. Unless the Captain gets the first copy and half of the profits.
2116 You can play chess with the Warforged as pieces.
2117 Warforged Boxing will continue on Moonday nights.
2118 Do not offer a special scratching post to the catgirl.
2119 No asking for a special prayer from Jaela.
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